Here’s the truth: For me, 2018 ended with a trip to the mental hospital.
I was extremely, dangerously depressed and considering suicide as a means of escaping my problems and my pain.
2018 was horrible, but I wasn’t a victim of circumstance. 2019 was hard too, but my theory is that because of the awful hand I chose to draw last year by my own freewill, this year I was left no choice but to stare into the face of my shadow…
(A reference to the band, Tool)
Last year, I let my demons out to play.
This year, I faced them.
My hope is that 2020 will mean slaying them!
On the eve of 2020, I am sitting at home with my daughter. My son is with his father. My girlfriend is at work. Earlier today, this upset me. It wasn’t ideal. The expectation was that I would be surrounded by friends and that we’d all be holding a red solo cup in one hand and a sparkler in the other. I imagined a kiss as the ball dropped in NYC; while everyone yelled, “Happy new year!” Instead, I received few responses and had a pretty boring day.
And what a beautifully boring evening it was!
I gave my daughter a bath and made her laugh as I put on my mask and explained the horror of aging. She said I looked like a monster. I argued that I was a goddess and did a dance that she described as “a genie dance.” We made slime that exploded sparkles all over the bathroom. I didn’t complain. We ate noodles and I showed her photos from my childhood. I shared stories of people long gone by now and perhaps allowed a tear to fall. I doubt she could repeat any of it back to me because at that point, she had slime and the slime had glitter in it.
And guess what…
No one went to the mental hospital.
It wasn’t a great year, but the good news is that it was better. I may always have depression, but as long as I strive toward progression and not perfection, life is good.
I usually discourage myself from making goals for the new year…
because I never meet my goals…
So, this year, I have much simpler goals:
1.) Slow down (you miss the important things in life when you’re racing toward the end-like old photos and sweet, sweet glitter messes).
2.) Allow yourself to breathe, relax, and accept.
3.) Even where love was not given without a cost, give love freely anyway.
4.) Don’t compete. Don’t defend. Don’t rebel. Just be.
5.) Go to teach and stay to be taught.
6.) Entertain the idea of walking a path that could be destiny, but not outside of the realm of freewill. Destiny=Freewill.
As above, so below.
Bring on the new decade with love, acceptance, and balance.
Everything is about to change.
Happy New Year!
P.S. In one hour, at midnight, my daughter is getting a big ol’ kiss from her mom, the monster!
For one of my favorite YouTube videos, songs, and an amazing message (where you shouldn’t forget to read between the lines) click here:
Interested to know what 2020 has in store for us based on numerology and the vibration of numbers? Click here: