A Poem: Steel Walls

“Steel Walls”

I’m trapped inside these walls that I built to protect myself.

Sometimes, people think I’m void of emotion, but that’s what I wanted them to think.

I was tired of being vulnerable.

Used to being alone, I became a pro at holding back tears.

But eventually, I appeared unable to produce tears at all.

Ask me how I’m feeling.

I’ll say that I’m fine.

I’ve said it so many times now that I’ve even convinced myself it was true at times.

I’m full of so many questions- Abandonment, doubt, self-worth, and trust-issues;

or is only paranoia?

I can’t tell if it’s me projecting or if it’s actually you.

I’ll stare at you blankly, like I’m frozen in time.

You’ll think I’m feeling nothing, but I’ve got 3 million voices screaming out in my mind.

One says run away, because I’m good at becoming a ghost.

Another says I should sacrifice myself because there’s just no hope.

There’s a third voice that’s telling me that my toxicity is only toxic to me.

I’m here to serve and I should be of service to help.

There’s still 2,999,997 voices left, as I grasp at defending myself.

When I look you into the eyes, you never seem to have a clue-

that there’s a war waging inside of me…

and to make it stop is a mystery.

I’ve been asked why I don’t open up more and explain myself, but I just don’t know how.

I’m so trapped within these steal walls that I unknowingly fade out.

I’ve become so controlled that you may mistake me for being bionic.

Appearing robotic didn’t come naturally.

I trained myself to perform.

Sit down. Shut-up. Update. Reboot. Sync.

I’m a disc spinning over and over- a scratched picture of insanity.

My eyes, like TV’s, I keep freezing on the screen.

There are so many details in my disk, meaning you’ll never really see me for me.

But you keep pushing me as I struggle- until it’s only black on my screen.

I’ve flatlined, like a heart, unwilling to beat.

I’m begging for you to see that I’m not what you say.

Can’t you reach into my mind?

You said I’m unable to process emotion like you do, but at least I’m not unkind.

Processing them from feelings and into words has been a curse of mine.

To avoid being a burden, I’ll, instead, step away.

If you read all these lines, I bet you’re quite surprised.

If you thought you knew me better- well, I never meant to hide.

I’m still looking for the nitric acid to break down the steel walls of my mind.

I’m still looking for the nitric acid to break down the steel walls of my mind.


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With Love,

-Lakin <3

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