I had fallen into a quest that became the name of this very blog! Although it isn’t perfect and my outreach is still quite small, I am here, in part, due to two shamans, who are also my friends and mentors.
A friend of mine, (hi, Mike), met me at a rather cold place of my ever-changing nature. He likes to describe my characteristics then as the quiet, introverted “emo-kid”. Never malicious, but always brooding during that phase of my life, he lit the match that eventually created my own wildfire- spiritually. Subtly inviting me in, he had initiated my transformation!
I had been jaded from my upbringing and was unwilling to budge on beliefs. Barely conversing previously, he quickly saw where I stood. Using intellect and science as keys-things that were proven to be true– his approach led me into hundreds of new, open doors within myself. Having written off religion, my attitude toward any faith was slightly callous, but not outwardly. I directed all of my wounds deeply inward instead.
We talked about Carl Jung, a Swiss psychologist, who was a supporter and friend that challenged Sigmund Freud‘s ideas. Somehow, psychology turned into philosophy and ideals and theories. Before I knew it, I was being led down a rabbit hole of endless, other rabbit holes!
He began talking about his dreaming experiences and my partner at the time surprised me when stating that she grew up always having the ability to fly in her dreams. I was baffled! I did not grow up with this ability and knew nothing about it. I wasn’t sure what to believe, but I was standing as one person against three other people who had experienced this for a long time. So, I asked how I could lucid dream too.
He replied, “ask for your higher self every night before you go to sleep.”
I didn’t quite understand what that meant at the time, but I did it for probably a year or more, while my other friend, (hi, Matt), insisted I start a dream journal. He told me that if I woke up and could remember ANY parts of my dream, I should write it down and that the more I tried to remember, the more details I would recall each time I put in the effort.
For a long time, I was very frustrated; because it really didn’t seem to be working for me. I would get very vivid dreams that seemed important in some way, where I was in control of myself, but nothing outside of me.
I went to see my friends again and this time, I told them about a reoccurring dream I had been having for as long as I could remember, where I always saw myself walking up a set of steep stairs. There was nothing at the top of them except for a white door. It was cracked only slightly and I could see light coming through the crack.
Although there was nothing apparently threatening there, I had insidious fears about what I’d find if I went inside, like my own dead body. This thought really freaked me out, but every few years or so, this dream would appear again.
Finally, Matt says with finality, “go through the door.”
I looked at him like he’d lost his mind, but he just stared right back at me with both confidence and ease. I think I stammered a “but… but…” and he said it again with a half smile on his face this time. Mouth agape, I just sat there.
As if it were obvious, he then says, “well, if you don’t go through the door, you’ll never know what’s inside. Besides, it’s just a dream, right? Nothing can really hurt you in your own head except for you.”
I couldn’t argue that.
Surely enough, a couple of weeks later, I had the dream and I went through the door, like I was told. As soon as I pushed it open, nothing but pure, white light, like I had never seen before, enveloped me in its loving glow. This experience didn’t last long, however, before it dropped me.
The door was an entryway into the labyrinth of my mind, my consciousness, my healing, my awakening, my transformation, my awareness of thyself, etc.
Getting lost several times and throwing myself down onto the cold stone in a heap at one point, I was getting nowhere in this devilish maze of madness. I tried conjuring blades to hack the tall hedges down to clear the way, I exhausted myself climbing through brambles, and beneath a very cool medieval cloak, I sneaked past a super-scary, human-sized cobra, like a ninja or a spy!
I could also see this all happening from above and outside of the labyrinth, as if I had another pair of eyes. The perspectives seemed to be shifting from first person to third, depending on what I was doing.
I was aware I was creating all of this somehow, but I was trapped inside of it for what felt like days! I even knew I was dreaming! I tried to pull myself awake and out of this lucid nightmare, but the deeper part of my mind wouldn’t allow it. I felt an incredibly, angry scream bubbling up from my ego; because I’m the type who hates admitting defeat. (Nobody’s perfect ;).
A light turned on in my awareness because it dawned on me that I wasn’t the only one in charge here. I was making the moves in this game, but if that were true, how could I also watch myself from another place?
I turned around and looked up and honestly, the most shocking and terrifying thing happened next...
I made eye contact with myself, who was much, MUCH larger.
For a second, I stared into the eyes of myself, without a mirror. And just like that, I was at the center of the labyrinth and beginning to awaken from sleep.
I sat up in my bed so quickly, probably looking rabid and crazy with terror!
That one, I definitely didn’t need to write down. It was unforgettable.
After a year of asking for my higher self every night before I fell asleep, I realized that the challenge I had put my own self in had all been created for me, by me, always.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” -Matthew 7:7
From Within the Labyrinth,